Showing posts with label college jokes. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Witty Professor - Part 5

Courtesy: The best of Prof. Ravichandran at Great Lakes

Here’s one Prof. who is worth a million…the sharpest and wittiest person you can ever come across...gives you memories of a lifetime...a standing example of how terrifying a Prof. could also be…a one professor who makes you think at least a hundred times before you try to speak-up…lest you get cold called…

Had the previledge of taking his Optimization models (Term III) and Simulation modeling (Term VI) @ Great Lakes, Chennai…

Here below is a small collection of his master pieces at Great Lakes and a few i've just gone ahead and picked from blogs of a couple of my IIMA friends…Thought I could have it here-in my blog to have a look at 'em during my tough and boring times, just to remind that i've handled even tougher ones...

Here you go...

- You people have a nice way of avoiding me whenever I ask a question...you start looking in your books, as if you are very busy…looking away like newly married brides…

- I am stunned by your intellectual inferiority…

- This is not your contention but confusion and at best you can have confusion coz its your birth right…

- The one in which he explained cycle time: "Cycle time does not mean that you take three women and expect to have a child in three months, it will still take nine months"

- On self: "I am a sadistic monkey and u know that"

" when my son was 3 years old... yes he actually once was even though he thinks he was born at 15" and I've have taken the responsibility of getting 2 sons into this world…not that it takes much of an effort...with some people it might be a problem...but with me…it didn’t take much effort...its not very difficult…provided u get the chance…

- On the projector being out of focus…"This is unfocussed...just like the PGP program"

- RaviC: So what should blitz do to correct its schedule? Student: Sir, it should improve its scheduling policy RaviC: You know, now that’s like going to a doctor and telling him "I'm not well" and asking him what should I do and the joker says "Get well"

- RaviC- what are personal loans Student - Sir, the loans which do not require any collateral RC- Sasural hain kya?? After some arguments... Student - Sir by that logic "every loan is personal to someone" RaviC- You are stupid and on top of that you are arrogant.

- When a student took his analogy too seriuosly, Ravi C fires, "If I compare a woman's face with the moon, it doesn't mean that there would be mountains and valleys on her face!"

- Talking bout branding, he says, "If IIMA, on the strength of its brand, tries to run a circus, it won't work. Even if it tries to convey the fact that the PGP and the circus are one and the same!"

- Student : But why wud high end customers come to Schwab? RaviC: Why not..if u offer peanuts u will get monkey and if u offer sugercane u will get Elephant.

- Student: Sir building on his (another student's) point RaviC: offcourse u can build on it but its a very shaky foundation Student:Sir there is a concept called DoDo marketing RaviC: u actually want me to believe that??

- An organisation's biggest bottleneck is its CEO..its growth is directly proportional to his vision..broader his vision wider the growth..

- Ice fili case..Student: Sir the consumption peaks in 6th and 7th month RaviC: U r not talking abt pregenancy right??

- Part of a case discussion: After some arguments..Student: Sir, ultimately what u r telling is weighted average. Prof : Ultimately rocket science is just arithmetic, so what u r trying to prove.

- the Prof switches over to Hindi in the class and asks, "is everyone okay with Hindi?"One student promptly raises his hand and says " Sir, I dont know Hindi". The Prof looks at him and the entire class for a moment and looks at him and says, " Actually you are supposed to say- I dont know... Hindi ALSO!" with a stress on also...and the class incl me erupts in laughter

- Student (40+ years old) : The key difference here is.. Prof : Look, at the way he talks... refined, like how lotsa big people talk... 10 or 15 mins of talk, with just an iota of data, like interest rates will increase by 0.5% Student : A habit of over 20 years... Prof : Oh yeah ? Bull Shitting has become a habit and my class erupts...

- Talking about comprehensive/evolved mathematical models.. Prof : Yeah, its like this... Human beings are evolved form of monkeys, some are still trying to evolve, and some successfully evolve!

- Ravi sir was in a counter argument mode when another student said " yes sir, i go with you" RaviC: immediately asked him" So what do you want to convey?" the student said" I support your argument sir"....Came the reply from the Prof. in a flash-- " Giving support is when you get emotional and agreeing is when you are rational"...astonishing!

- Student: Sir what's the difference between process time and cycle time? Ravi C (with trademark smile): If a pregnant woman gives birth to twins then 9 month is process time while cycle time is zero!

- RaviC asks a guy to explain the first case of the course...He starts: If we do SWOT analysis....RaviC: What is SWOT? Student: ^%%? RaviC: Strength is your wife, Weakness if neighbor's wife, opportunity is when you neighbor is away, threat is when you are away!

- Case: BarillA SpaTopic in discussion was their inventory. Someone said: Sir, on an average, the inventory looks to be quite fine. RaviC: If u look at averages, the average Indian woman gives birth to 2.4 children. That would mean the average Indian woman is always pregnant.

- RaviC: What is capacity? (Silence- he looks arnd and points to a student) What is the capacity of this room? Student: (hoping to make an impression) Depends upon what kind of capacity u r talking abt- sitting, standing ... RaviC: Ah! (Has that glitter in the eye now) Let us say I decide to pack people into this room - then what do u say is the capacity? Student: (gives a number) but then again the capacity depends upon the ideal distance we want between 2 people. RC: You talking about distances now? Very smart! Did u assume then that I was going to pack them skin-to-skin top to bottom?! (pause) Have u heard of negative distances? Class silent. RC: Anyone married here? (Class still silent n no one gives eye contact) No one! That explains... (His famous smile now!)

- Ravi C's response to a guy who was referring to the Case Mat while Ravi C put down the solution on the blackboard -You are like the idiot who wants to watch a blue movie on his wedding night

- Shakespeare can easily be made... Just have a child and name him Shakespeare!

- On Adding Value!! "I don't know if I added any value to you all through this course but I definitely know that I didn't destroy any value...because it didn't exist previously"

- RaviC - "Your name is manoranjan?? manoranjan means entertainment.. so you entertain or are you a result of entertainment??"

- "If you make a Monkey sit with a typewritter , there is a finite probability that he will reproduce Shakespears work, given enough time"

- RaviC asks a question...our friend with all honesty says.."sir, i don't know".. RaviC - i remember, i had asked you a question in the 3rd sem, and you had said you didn't know...at least now you are predictable.

- On being distracted by a student chewing on his gold chain:"You are the bottleneck of my attention.....You take my attention away from the class....I should really do something about this"

The nervous student dropping things from his/her desk and not daring to move a muscle to avoid attracting attention: “That’s why housekeeping is important in JIT. If your workspace is organized and things are running smoothly you don’t attract any attention..”

- On feeding a bottleneck:

“like a pregnant woman constantly craving for something to eat before having a baby??”

- Student : “The function gradually approaches 0…”RaviC: “that’s like saying that asymptotically we all die…” “Isko koi samjhao bhai”

- On a student missing in class: RaviC: “…What WIP gone missing” “So what should we do now??.. Let’s organise a party with band-baaja and go find him…That’s ok, I’ll lead the party since I have nothing better to do. So who’s coming with me??

- On scheduling conflicts: Student: “It arises because of shared resources.” RaviC: “You mean like Princess Diana or Draupadi?”

- RaviC: "Which is your favorite LP problem?" Student : "Adani Wilmar" RaviC: "Adani Wilmar?! Was it an LP problem or a transportation problem??" Student: "sir there we had to find the optimal route from the ports to the factories by an LP formulation" RaviC: "it's like I ask you for your favorite bird and u say mosquito....it has wings and it can fly...so it's technically correct!!!”

- ”Vishwamitra had zero WIP...he had compressed cycle time a long time back”

- a long discussion in class over a point ... same point gets repeated 20 mins later as if the guy is making a fresh point ... Ravi C says "I thought we had already covered this point some 20 mins earlier... Does sound travel so slowly here? I thought it travelled this distance in a lot less than 20 mins? "

- With increasing globalisation, the Indian students are also becoming world class..."

- Student: Sir, this inventory is stocked in the head office whereas the recommendation is to stock it at the regional offices. Ravi C: " If there are four members in your family and one of them goes abroad, then how many members are there in your family? It doesn't matter where the inventory is stored bhai as long as it is stuck in the system"

- On the idea of debating options for transporting goods from factory to markets: to illustrate the idea of buying low value-add items locally the prof said :"If you are going to transport cowdung, will you transport it by airplane?"

- Student: Whenever I go to the ATM, I expect it to have cash. RaviC: Just because you get admitted into the ICU, doesnt mean, you will come out alive.

- Student: There is something wrong in this model (simulation modelling). RaviC: Just because you are ugly, don't blame the mirror...

- "I am here for a purpose and I pretty well know what it is. And I shall fulfill my duty towards it and anything that comes in my way shall be OBLITERATED."

ps: IIM Indore guys are enjoying the fun and jokes now as he is the current director there

Monday, August 30, 2010

Witty Professor - Part 4

Courtesy: if You can understand, You will understand
On marks for CP – “Oh you are trying for CP.. In class of 90 you should really look like a CLOWNfor me to identify you..sometimes when I go to the market I can see people staring at me.. then I think, oh this guy may be in my class … what are you talking of CP”
Explaining inventory management – “This is against your operations where you say decrease inventory, decrease wip, all those Japanese terms … neither you are Japanese, neither faculty is Japanese, neither you are in japan … but still you read about these Japanese terms”
Student stands at the door and asks for permission – Prof -”They are standing there as if they are so obedient … as if they don’t do anything without my permission … if they see me in the corridor they don’t care … might be they expect me to say ‘don’t come in’ “

Student runs towards his chair after entering the class
Prof – “Walk in the corridor run in the class”
On investment bankers/consultants- Prof -
“They have been advised by an investment banker … probably a business graduate”
“By showing a higher value investment banker would create his own value”
On investments bankers report of a company – Prof – “Generally they build a spiral of 30-40 pages … you need another consultant to understand the report …. just like your assignments”
“If I put it bluntly I would say .. ‘He acts like a pimp’ …. *pause* … How many of you want to become an investment banker … your dream job is to join an investment firm … that is a pimp house”
Relating mergers and acquisitions with boy and girl relationship – “You look at a girl for the first time … and find this is the girl that i need … (do) you start evaluating her?”
Class starts giving answers on what the boy should do …
Prof -”See the CP … there was not even one guy when I asked for the story in the case”

“Boy will say .. -’your father is my father-in-law, he is my father … i will not touch liquor, i will stop smoking … but after marriage you will not allow father-in-law to come in that street’
On student saying Goodwill is the additional savings of merger – “Synergy is a child born out of marriage … why will buyer of this firm pay for the child before hand … you get married you have a child .. god knows whose child it is”
On no response for a question on the case – Prof – “When you come to subject there is silence”
On student not accepting profs argument – Prof – “This is the problem with MBA students … even if they are wrong it is very difficult for them to accept it”
While mentioning generosity towards Shareholders using LIFO/FIFO,
Prof – “Bollywood actress becoming generous on a magazine page .. what difference does it make?. No material benefit”
On all reasons by students failing – Prof – “These are justifications that are flying out of the window”
On assignments – Prof – “That too 15 copies will have the same numbers … as if I am doing an imposition”
On students not able to remember the numbers in the assignment – “You are like gajini … you don’t remember what you did in the morning …. *relating memory to quizzes* … it is easy for us to correct … first of all they don’t know such a subject exists … if they have good memory they will know the subject but will not remember the what he wrote in the quiz … if someone comes with a query … you should appreciate his confidence on his memory and give him marks”
Referring to the institute – “Will you say all the goods that go out of ### are finished goods … some of them go out as absolute raw materials”
On student arguing about ethics – Prof – “If you deeply think about ethics you cannot be in a business school .. i am sorry that you got in ”
Reg Mentioning of LIFO to FIFO, faculty asked how should we inform the share holders reg that.
Student – “Very Few people will read the notes sir”
Prof – “Very few people have read this case also…”
“You hate this accounting subject and wen u join a company, U will close the Accounts department as such…”

Witty Professor - Part 3

Courtesy: Am I Right.. or NOT???
On students submitting copied assignments – “I might give different grades for different submissions … it will be embarrassing for me”
“Copying is not risky for you it is risky for me … i will give one assignment B and one assignment C … This verification has to be done across the section”
“When U submit assignment, who all copied, submit it together. Else, for same document I will give different grades and again U will question me. If in the same section, I have to check ninety assignments. If U copy from other section, then one hundred eighty”
On making someone else get printouts – “generally we depute our girlfriend to do this … of course here it is very scarce … they have more options”
On hand written submissions – “People think if they write with hand they will get more marks .. because more hard work … it is not like that … you are not willing to work hard and not even pay money”
On less response in class – “Make some noise yaar .. that’s what is CP”
After listing out the four options available – “Generally we are out of box thinkers and we can come up with a fifth method .. if we have a fifth option then we will select the fifth option and write it on the screen”
On only 70 people raising hands till the second last option – “You assume that the remaining people are in the last option … there are many people not knowing what is going on here”
When a student raised his hand hesitantly – “You are voting for this …. *turning towards class* … because he raises the pencil like this”
On the example where tenant can own part of the house – “It is already risky to give you a house …. if he says you own part of the house … you will own the basement and start destroying the basement”
“You will start owning the building .. you will start owning the family members of the owner … you become bigger than the owner”
On an untidy submission – “It is like a kirana shop list” … Student -”it is what is written inside that matters” Prof – “Tomorrow you should not write in a newspaper and say read from it …. you should not write in a circle and say start from here (and end here) … …. … … I am an innocent man”
“Company, Management, Management family are all the same. reliance Board Room discussions are equal to Ambani Kitchen room discussions”

Witty Professor - Part 2

courtesy: ya... Go Ahead Then..
On the case where uncle dies and leaves a farm in his will – “Uncle had willed a farm; she knew (about) the will… with the help of the lawyer she finished off the uncle”
“It seems like most of you are not aware what exercise we are discussing … is that so”
“Students here are such that if they were given a big answer sheet and a marketing question paper, they will start preparing Transaction Analysis table”
On students saying that they will prepare a Transaction Analysis table – “You need a big sheet now, you will use it as a mat … put your head and sleep on that … looks like that’s what you have done in the midterm”
“Once you become a manager you will say ‘get a Transaction Analysis sheet’ … the poor accountant will say ‘what is the Transaction Analysis table’ … you will say ‘how u don’t have a Transaction Analysis’. That will be the big change you bring about in the company … from now on you will have a Transaction Analysis table for everything”
Explaining the difference between fixed and variable costs – “Price of the book that you have is a variable cost and the little salary they give me is the fixed cost. They want to take maximum benefit of this fixed cost and kept adding more chairs in the class … it will not surprise me if they break the wall (at the end) and then the guys would need binoculars to see this side, what is exactly happening. They might add another vertical layer on top also ….
It looks like fixed cost in this institute is really a fixed cost … It does not vary with capacity”
“Revenue is going at a lag of one year and expense goes with the current year. This is one more method you have invented. We will add this to the midterm list.”
If you are asked to write a mission statement for a company … you like this strategic statements … every quarter you write a strategic statement and still talk about long term goals.
On not able to recognize revenue completely due to writeoffs – Student – “Generally we assume that once we write an invoice we will get the revenue”… Prof- “I appreciate your positive attitude”
Student – “Sir your logic does not use the numbers” … Prof –“I have not used … I am ignorant, innocent … you use it … …. *pause*… give him the mike also”
On the method of entering revenue after making the product usable – “Making it usable … I am thinking if ### will recognize revenue ever”
Asking the description of the problem to students- Prof- “What next?”
Student –“ 3 methods of calculation”
Prof- “What Next?”
Student – Questions
Prof – “What Next?”
Student – “Next Case”
Prof- “Each of us is a very good case”
“We can admit students in 2nd term also. To clear 1st Term, U just need to buy a dictionary that mentions all the business terms … that’s all !! …Who knows that student who comes in 2nd term may perform better than all of us”
“Why worry about perishability of the goods, you should be worried about durability of the customer”

Witty Professor - Part 1

COURTESY: Any questions ask me right now …. OK .. Lets take it further

1. ### being part of committee of ICAI – “So called big ###s are part of the team, not us … Just by having the same name it does not mean that you are the same breed”
2. On standards of ASB-
   “They create an ambiguous standard and then help you interpret them”
   “They correct their mistakes in accounting standards and then call it a review”
   “They always keep an eye open to copy from elsewhere”
3. On AS -1 Accounting standard – “They took 2 years to copy the first standard”
4. On his own working in one section being submitted as assignment submission in another section
   “I left my slide here and in the next class they submitted my own assignment to me. It is very exciting to see your own assignment in printed format”
   “you should be in ICAI for the speed of copying because people there in ICAI are taking few years to copy standards from others”
5. On disclosure of silly mistakes(pun intended) in mid term marks, he will make a presentation
   “I will not disclose names… don’t worry. But you can find out… I will look at the person when I tell”
6. After the prof clarifies a query of the student … student – “Yes that sounds reasonable” .. Prof – “Thanks for the evaluation”
7. “Whoever has supplied books for you will have to wait for many years to recognize its value”
8. On mid term exams – “learning happens after the event”
9. In response to students comment “Expected expense incurred from expected revenue” … Prof – “This will be a good answer in the answer sheet”
10. Explaining why some companies buy loss making companies – “In life it is good to make a loss … anything can create value. If one gets all F’s don’t get scared … it may create value …. you don’t know”
11. “..Many mid terms will come and go and many end terms will come and go .. but life moves on but that’s OK .. that’s a part of learning as well … at the end of it you will find that you have not learnt anything.Then at the end of it a bunch of jokers will come to hire you”
12. “You don’t expect it to work for more days if it is Indian made… especially if it is made by an Indian”
13. Q from prof – “How many Accounting standards are existing in India?” ….. Answer from student: “92 (The strength of 92 of the class

)” Faculty: “There should be more than 92 standards as there are more than 1 method created by few of you….”
14. Why Seniors come to hire in our campus? Ans – “They know the talent of students here. and so they come here as we won’t affect their jobs with our talent…”
15. “I gave this problem to 60 students last year, they were not able to solve… this year I gave it to 90 students still no solution. That shows intelligence is not correlated to student size …. I am thinking of asking PGP office to make accounting an open laptop exam – bcoz even then u wont be able to solve it …. I would even circle the right answers to help you – even then u wont be able to arrive at them …. I can even give you the paper on monday and take it back on next monday. All you pgp1s n pgp2s can do it together – even then u wont be able to do it…
16. “The answers will be given to you …. all you have to do is to come with a 1 Re coin and scratch, the answers will appear …. The correct answers will be in bold … am pretty sure that there will still be people who make mistakes”