Friday, October 29, 2010

Love letter (By a Programmer...) Too good :)

        Ultimate Love Letter…
        Awesome mail…but d best part is signatureJ...

        (By a Programmer...  )
        Sweetheart ,
        I`ve seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I`ve been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.
        My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
        You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.
        Your smile is so delightful; it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
        When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /*which I never experienced before.*/
        With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I¡¯ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.
        Also don`t bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I¡¯ve strong hacking capabilities by which I`ll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage .
        I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail.
        And its all but certain that if
        this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery.
        Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free...
        Software Programmer
        Today This company
        Tommorrow That Company
        But always want ur   company!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Humiliating Replies...



Impossible Humiliation!!






Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw once started addressing a public meeting in English at Ahmedabad. 

The crowd started, Speak in Gujarati. We will hear only in Gujarati." 

Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw replied, Friends, I have fought many a battle in my long career. I have learned Punjabi from officers of the Sikh Regiment; Marathi from the officers of the Maratha Regiment; Tamil from the officers of the Madras Sappers; Bengali from the officers of the Bengal Sappers , Hindi from the officers of the Bihar Regiment; and even Nepali from the officers of the Gurkha Regiment. Unfortunately there was no Army officer from Guajart from whom I could have learned Gujarati."




You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~






At a time when the US President and other US politicians tend to apologize for their country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some former US personnel handled negative comments about the United States. 

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when Charles DeGaule, the French President, decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. 

Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here? 

DeGaule did not respond.




You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~




When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if US plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. 

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'




You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~






There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. 

During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?'


A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'






You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~






A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. 

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. 

He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'


Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'



You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~






Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.




"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.




Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 


"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." 


The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." 


"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France! 


The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.


Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to."


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Never be a Developer...

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)  
Mukesh Thakur ( Developer)  
Roshan D'Mello:
 Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in
username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.
Mukesh Thakur:
 How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep
sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it fixed.
After 2 days,
Mukesh Thakur
: Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.
After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello
:  I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in
some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry
is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur
: Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has
Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt
speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use
head phones and then get the bug closed soon.
Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello
:  I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is
Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but
My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound
as 'TONG'.
Mukesh Thakur
: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The
Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do
You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them
Please close it.

Another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello
:  I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep
Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces
Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces
Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all
Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur
:  Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the
Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both
The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.
Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello
:  I have re-opened the bug.
Mukesh Thakur
:  What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for
Roshan D'Mello:
 Sound intensity is different for machines placed at
different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.
After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur
: I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of
two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the
acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity
is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the
After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello
:  I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested
The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same
Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that
intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.
Mukesh Thakur
: GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the
Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background
noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because
of background noice.
Roshan D'Mello
:   No need for that. We will put the machines and run
them in vacuum and see.
Mukesh Thakur:


Mukesh Thakur is now in mental asylum while Roshan D'Mello has become QA Manager.


Rajnichaaleesa !!!!!! :D

Rajnikanth" - straight from IT. miinnddd it !!!!!!!!!!!


*Rajnikant's codes are never reviewed, if he makes an error, that's an

*Rajnikant does not have any data type, because nothing can define


*Rajnikant's for/while loop does not have an exit condition, he exists

when he desires so.*

*Rajnikant has written a software for himself, where he can set his

age to any value he wants.*

*Rajnikant does not use a key board, he communicates with computer

through mind power.*

*Rajnikant does not install an anti-virus on his PC. All computer

virus are looking for an Anti-Rajanikant software to save themselves
from hands of Rajanikant.*

Rajnikant's programs don't have Catch blocks... Because when

Rajnikant's program throws an exception, nobody can catch it! Only
Rajnikant himself can!!

When Rajnikant comes online, all servers shut down!

Because, the King of SERVERs is online...

*Rajnikant never writes queries to the Databases. Databases send their

queries to Rajnikant!*

Rajnikant never gets a DivideByZero exception. In any such case, 1/0

defines itself..

*Rajnikant reads only one slide for perception;*

As he says " if I read one slide its similar to reading 100 slides"
*Mind it>>>>>>>>>*

Compiler doesnot warn Rajnikant , Rajnikant warns compiler .....

Rajnikant can execute a program before compiling

Default Value For Rajnikant is DEATH!!!!!!!!


Rajinikanth invented SQL!!

Rajinikant can access even private member variables from a different


Rajinikant can rollback his age in presence of commit.

There is no main function in rajnikant's code……………….every function is

named "RAJNIKANT" and dare compiler produce an error!

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Monk

This is really a great suspense...

Read it carefully to know what it is.


A man is driving down the road and breaks down near

a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the

door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I

could stay the night?

the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,

even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,

he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks

the monks what the sound was, but they say, We

can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and

goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same

man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The

monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange noise that he

had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks

reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to

know. If the only way I can find out what that sound

was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell

us how many blades of grass there are and the exact

number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years

later, he returns and knocks on the door of the

monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and

have found what you have asked for. There are

145,236,284,232 blades of grass and

231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a

monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the

head monk says, The sound is right behind that


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is

locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of

stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to

find a door made of ruby. He demands another key

from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is

another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went

until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the

last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,

turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to

find the source of that strange sound.

. . . . But I can't tell you what it is because..........................

you're not a monk.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Some simple Jokes off the shelf..

1)     What's the difference between a fly & a mosquito?
A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito!!


2)     What did baby corn ask mom corn???
Where is Pop corn?


3)     Why is the River Rich?
It has two Banks!


4)     What do computers like to eat?


5)     Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to School???
She had a Bright Student.


6)     When does Gulshan Grover become Gulshan Grocer.???
When he travels with the speed of light.(At that Speed, V=C)


Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need… A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see… size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see… size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit – $400�
New shirt – $36�
New underwear – $6�
Second Opinion – PRICELESS


‘രാമന്‍ പാമ്പിനെ കൊന്നു‘ - വിശകലങ്ങള്‍*

'രാമന്‍പാമ്പിനെ കൊന്നു‘. ഈ വാക്യത്തിലെ കര്‍ത്താവ് ആരാണ് ?

വത്സമ്മ ടീച്ചറുടെ ചോദ്യം എന്നോട് തന്നെയായിരുന്നു. ആസ് യൂഷ്വല്‍ ഞാന്‍ എഴുന്നേറ്റ് നിന്ന് തലചൊറിഞ്ഞു..

ടീച്ചറുടെ ചൂരല്‍ തുടയില്‍ റെയില്‍ പാളം തീര്‍ക്കുമ്പോള്‍ എനിക്ക് അട്ടര്‍ കണ്‍ഫ്യൂഷനായിരുന്നു. രാമന്‍ പാമ്പിനെ കൊല്ലുന്നിടത്ത് കര്‍ത്താവിനെന്താ കാര്യം? ഇനി കര്‍ത്താവ് വളര്‍ത്തിയ പാമ്പിനെയാണോ രാമന്‍ തല്ലിക്കൊന്നത്?

പിന്നീടുള്ള മൂന്നാല് രാത്രികളില്‍ ഞാന്‍ കണ്ട സ്വപ്നം വത്സമ്മ ടീച്ചറെ ചൂരലിന് നാല് പെട കൊടുക്കുന്നതിനെപ്പറ്റിയായിരുന്നു.

ടീച്ചറെ അടിക്കാന്‍ മാത്രമല്ല ഒരു കൈവെട്ടിക്കളയാനുമുള്ള വകുപ്പ് ആ ചോദ്യത്തിലുണ്ടായിരുന്നു എന്ന് ഈയിടെയാണ് എനിക്ക് മനസ്സിലായത്.. നമുക്ക് ടീച്ചറുടെ ചോദ്യത്തെ സൂക്ഷ്മമായി അപഗ്രഥിച്ച് നോക്കാം. എന്നാലേചോദ്യത്തിന്റെ വ്യത്യസ്ഥ മാനങ്ങളും നിഗൂഡ അര്‍ഥങ്ങളും സാമ്രാജ്യത്വ കുതന്ത്രങ്ങളും നമുക്ക് മനസ്സിലാവൂ.

* ‘രാമന്‍ പാമ്പിനെ കൊന്നു‘. ഈ വാക്യത്തിലെ കര്‍ത്താവ് ആരാണ് ? - വിശകലങ്ങള്‍*

നം 1 : ഒരു ക്രിസ്ത്യന്‍ സ്കൂളിലെ ക്രിസ്ത്യാനിയായ വത്സമ്മ ടീച്ചര്‍ ഉദ്ദേശിച്ചത് ഇങ്ങനെയായിക്കൂടേ ... “ എല്ലാം ചെയ്യുന്നതും ചെയ്യിക്കുന്നതും കര്‍ത്താവാണ്. ‘കര്‍ത്താവാണ്’ ഏറ്റവും വലിയവന്‍. എട്ടും പൊട്ടും തിരിയാത്ത ഒരു ഹിന്ദു ചെക്കനെ കര്‍ത്താവിന്റെ വഴിയിലേക്ക് നയിക്കാനുള്ള ഗൂഢശ്രമമായിരുന്നില്ലേ ഈ ചോദ്യം. ‘കര്‍ത്താവ്’ എന്ന കണ്‍സെപ്റ്റ് കുഞ്ഞ് മനസ്സിലേക്ക് കുത്തി വെക്കാനുള്ള ബ്രെയിന്‍ വാഷിങ്ങ് ?

നം 2 : ‘രാമന്‍’ അഥവാ ഒരു ഹിന്ദു ദൈവം മിണ്ടാപ്രാണിയായ പാമ്പിനെ കൊന്ന് നടക്കുന്ന ഒരു ദുഷ്ടനാണ്. അല്ലെങ്കില്‍ ഒരു പാമ്പിനെ കൊല്ലാന്‍ മാത്രമേ ‘രാമനെ’ ക്കൊണ്ട് പറ്റൂ. ഉദ്ദിഷ്ട കാര്യം നടക്കണമെങ്കില്‍ വേറേ ദൈവത്തിനെ മണിയടിക്കണം.. ഇങ്ങനെയും ഈ ചോദ്യത്തിന് അര്‍ത്ഥം കല്‍പ്പിക്കാം.

നം 3 : ‘രാമന്‍‘ എന്നാല്‍ വിഷ്ണു. ‘പാമ്പ്‘ എന്നാല്‍ ഒരു ശൈവ മൂര്‍ത്തി. അപ്പോള്‍ ശൈവ-വൈഷ്ണവ ഉരസലുകളെയാവാം ചോദ്യം കൊണ്ട് ഉദ്ദേശിച്ചത്. ഹിന്ദുക്കള്‍ക്കിടയില്‍ വേര്‍തിരിവ് ഉണ്ടാക്കനുള്ള പൈശാചികമായ ശ്രമം.

നം 4 : രാമന്‍ പാമ്പിനെ കൊന്നു എന്ന് പറയുമ്പോള്‍, വെള്ളമടിച്ച് സ്വബോധം ഇല്ലാത്ത ഒരാളെ യുദ്ധം ചെയ്ത് കൊല്ലുന്ന ദൈവമാണ് ഹിന്ദു ‘ദൈവമായ’ രാമന്‍ എന്നും വ്യംഗ്യാര്‍ത്ഥം പറയാം. ഇത് ബാലി യുദ്ധവുമായി ബന്ധപ്പെടുത്തി ഉണ്ടാക്കിയ ഒരു പരിഹാസം ആണോ എന്നും ചിന്തിക്കേണ്ടിയിരിക്കുന്നു.

അര്‍ഥമേതായാലും ടീച്ചര്‍ മത നിന്ദ ചെയ്തു എന്ന് വ്യക്തം. ഇനി ശിക്ഷിച്ചേ മതിയാവൂ. കൈ മാത്രമാക്കണ്ടാ തലയും പോരട്ടെ. നമ്മള്‍ കൈ വെട്ടിയിട്ടും സ്കൂളുകാര്‍ ടീച്ചറെ പുറത്താക്കിയില്ലെങ്കിലോ ? പിന്നെയും ടീച്ചര്‍ കഞ്ഞികുടിച്ച് കഴിയില്ലേ? അത് പാടില്ല. പിഴുതെറിയുമ്പോള്‍ വേരോടെ കളയണം. അങ്ങനെയാണ് ചാണക്യന്‍ പറഞ്ഞത്.

രാമായണത്തിലെങ്ങുമില്ലാത്ത ഈ പാമ്പ് നിഗ്രഹം മലയാളത്തിലേക്ക് കൊണ്ട് വന്നത് ഒരു പാതിരി കൂടിയായ ഗുണ്ടര്‍ട്ട് സായിപ്പാവാനാണ് സാധ്യത . പറ്റുമെങ്കില്‍ അങ്ങോരുടേയും ഒന്നോ രണ്ടോ കൈ വെട്ടണം

First Time ...

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'

She asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The new ABC's for Kids

 For the nerds/ techies/ geeks/ bla bla.. Enjoy :D

Emmy 2010 Best Commercial Nominees

Now this is called timing! Check the Shadow…

On world photographers day.. a tribute :D

Theres nothing RajniCAN'T :D

Rajni Mania...Rajnikanth was bragging to Amitabh Bachan one day, "You know, I kn...ow everyone. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, Amitabh Bachan called his bluff, "OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it" Rajini said.

So Rajini and Amitabh Bachan fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,

And sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts : "Thalaiva! Great to see you! You And your friends come right in and join me for lunch!"

...Although impressed, Amitabh Bachan is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Rajini that he thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was

Just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else" Rajini says

..."President Obama", Amitabh Bachan quickly retorts

..."Yes", Rajini says, "I know him.

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Rajini on the tour and motions him, saying, : "Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way

to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of

coffee first and catch up".

Well, Amitabh Bachan is much shaken by now, but still not totally onvinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he implores him to

name anyone else.

"The Pope," Amitabh Bachan replies

..."Sure!" says Rajini, "My folks are from Italy and I've known the Pope a long time".

Rajini and Amitabh Bachan are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.. Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Amitabh Bachan has had a

heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to Amitabh Bachan's side,

Rajini asks him, "What happened?"

Amitabh Bachan looks up and says,

"I was doing fine until u and the pope came out on the balcony and the Italian man next to me said,

"Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"

Friday, October 8, 2010

A needy husband

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"