It's possible to understand Engineers!

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"


The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."


The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2


To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.




Understanding Engineers #3


A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.


The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"


The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"


The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."


He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"


The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."


The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."


The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."


They were silent for a moment.


Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"







Understanding Engineers #4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.




Understanding Engineers #5


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"




Understanding Engineers #6


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."


Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."


The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers #7


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.


Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.





Understanding Engineers #8


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."


He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.


The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."


The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket.


The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."


Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.


Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"


The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Nishal & Kavya - Divorce In the view of a software engineer

Software engineer Decides... Probable reasons: 1) When Nishal tried to install the o/s in the new system using his pen drive, he found that the system has already been installed with Dileep XP, Lalettan XP, Lal Jose XP, etc. and message displayed "Lot of o/s already installed No more o/s installation possible, Try to reboot the system" 2) When Nishal tried to insert pen drive into the new system he found that there is no USB port fitting the dimension of the pendirve, system displayed message " No USB port available , all USB converted to DVD Drive, insert only bigger size disks" and system restarts every time when tries the same showing same message. 3) When Nishal uncovered the new machine his pen drive emitted a sticky fluid and became useless and no more readable for that day, pen drive seems to be Chinese made battery always leaking, , this repeated for almost a month and the system decided to seek another user who doesnt spend easily 4) Nishal's software never becomes hardware!!!! !

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One of the best IT interviews!!!....IT 4 INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY!!!

!!!!!!!!!!! One of the best IT interviews!! !........ ......... ......... .IT 4 INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.. ......!!! !!!!!!!! Interviewer: Tell me about yourself. Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology. Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before! Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it .. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya. Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering. Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years. Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6. Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it. Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned. Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!! Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life? Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative. Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study? Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!! Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked? Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai) Interviewer: And which languages have you used? Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages. Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB? Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD! Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language? Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly. Interviewer: What is your general project experience? Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e times they are in pipeline! Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job? Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows. Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience? Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality' ,'versioncontrol ','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes! Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company? Candidate: Not much. 1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand. 2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not         have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent. 3. I believe in flexi-timings. 4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear         t-shirt and jeans. 5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so         as to avoid breakdown due to overwork. 6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term         preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection? Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.   Welcome to INFOSYS. The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of Infosys. Dont knw how far  its true though ;)

H o w t o C a t c h a L I O N

 

H o w t o C a t c h a L I O N

Newton 's Method:

 

Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.

 

Einstein Method:

 

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

Now you can trap it easily.

 

Software Engineer Method:

 

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

 

Indian Police Method:

 

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

 

Rajnikanth Method :

 

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.

The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

 

Jayalalitha Method:

 

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

 

Manirathnam Method (director):

 

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark

room with a single candle lighted.

Keep murmuring something in its ears.

The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

 

Karan Johar Method (director):

 

Send a lioness into the forest.

Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.

But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

 

Yash Chopra method (director):

 

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

 

Govinda method:

 

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

 

Menaka Gandhi method:

 

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

 

George bush method:

 

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

 

Ravi Shastri method:

 

Ask the lion to bowl at u.

U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

Lion tired and surrenders

True story of an MCA girl - be patient and read

I deserve It

My name is Arun. May I request a few seconds your precious time to know a little about me. I am married and was having a pleasant marriage life with my wife and two kids. From my childhood itself I was a very reserved person. Not having much friendship even in college days. I was not aware much about the internet world. One day accidentally I entered chat world and I happened to chat with Renjumol NV. You all know her. Your MCA friend. The most unfortunate moment in my life. Gradually it become a very close friendship and then a physical relation. I am working as a senior engineer in Kuwait for a UK Based company and drawing $8200/ monthly since Nov'2005.. I forgot my family and the kids. We met on Dec 2006 first and we stayed at Cochin Taj Hotel for 10days. That time I gifeted her laptops and digital camera. All her MCA friend know she stared in Taj with a cousin and family. But Taj record will sasy it only me and her. She wanted me to marry her. We went to Guruvayur temple, and in one hotel I put the Thali on her.. She always used to say she cannot live with me. Orelse she will die.

Daily we used to talk hours and hours. You feel it is a lie. Since I am working in Kuwait Border, I have both Saudi (0966506503724) and Kuwait(0096566169142) Number. Her idea mobile 9947273931 bill was always more than 20,000/- month which I used to pay through online account (Check just the last month Bill attached,this happens from last two year). Only to call me in night she have one more Wodaphone number (9745949664) a prepaid connection. You can check with cochin store at pathanamthitta, how much mone she pay there for paying recharging. It was always more than 15000 per month.

An entirely dream world for me. When my wife and parents came to know about this I least cared. She and my parents called renju and her parents and was begging for to stop the relation. But renju always used to say if I am not there, she will not be in this world. We met stayed together in Hotel Taj (02 Times), Hotel Abad Plaza at Ernakulam many times. Then she wanted to come to Kuwait. I brought her to Kuwatit and Bahrain for 15 days. I was in a dream world. For such trips, she always used to tell her home, she is doing online job with Xtreme Software's at Trivandrum(04712310706) where she did her MCA project work. Check with xtreme, whether any renjumol ever worked there. Laptop, Camera, dresses, whatelse even TVs, mobole phones not only to her, but to her father, brother. My SBT NRE account will say how much money I was sending to her SBT bank account. Then at last even gold for her around 70 pavan from Bhima jewellay Ernakulam. The payment was through my credit cards. She was studying by bank loan. Even I had to pay that.

At last time has come. Now she wanted to marry Soju, whom she is in love since 08 years, while she already married me without any records. Now for her family and she wanted to get rid off me,

Now I understand that reality that it was a planned love drama played by her with me. Of course I cannot marry her but the sudden change in her nature as if she never knows any arun. Just last aug'08 I had to come here and take her to Amrita Hospital at Ernakulam as her blood group is hepatitis B. Gastrilogy Surgen Dr.Gaurav took all the test and he knows who brought her to the hospital

Their main intention was my money. They claim I am a coward running behind girls. Check her bank account in SBT. Check where from she purchased all the gold and who paid for it. The total money I spend for her for gold, phone calls, house electronics in last three year is more than 30 Lakh. Won't believe.


I got the punishment for betraying my family. I am not worried about the money. But the cheating. Believed whatever she told me. Few of her friends during MCA and project work at trivandrum definitely know that she used to talk for hours in night. She used to tell everybody that it is soju. But it was me. A few photos are here, otherwise you won't believe I knowme.

Now I won't deserve to stay in this world. I can't. Totally cheated. Mentallay, pysically.

She will have a happy marriage life I know. Only my small kids will become orphans.

By the time you read this I wont be in this world.

But please do call her on 0468 233429. Please do call her and convey the best regards for her marriage.

Only one question, when I was having a very pleasant life with my family till I met her, am I the only one culprit for my kids fate????

DO GO THROUGH THE COMMENTS..THERE ARE A LOT OF DESCRIPTIONS> I GOT THIS AS A MAIL FORWARD. SO I DONT GUARENTEE THE AUTHENTICITY OF THIS ARTICLE!!!!!!

PLEASE AVOID POSTING COMMENTS AS "ANONYMOUS". WHY ARE YOU GUYS AFRAID???

Modern Panchtantra Story [ IT HUMOR ]

Modern Panchtantra Story [ IT HUMOR ]


Once upon a time , there was a software engineer who used to develop
programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a
river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday
market.


One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and
fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood
(the woodcutter and the axe ),

He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to
test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The
engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.



As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a
match box and asked, " Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the
Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, " No."


She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was
his.


Annoyed, the engineer said " No, not at all!!"


Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was
his.


The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said " Yes."


The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give


Him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer
Asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better
computers before bringing up my own ?"


The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid
donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the
Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared
with the Pentium!!

MINDBLOWING: Tamil Star VIJAYAKANTH'S Dialogues in English

MINDBLOWING: Tamil Star VIJAYAKANTH'S Dialogues in English
1) U can study and get any certificates. But u cannot get ur death certificate
[
2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u
sneeze u ll say HUTCH
[
3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in
engineering college. U cannot bcom a president if
u studies in Presidency College
[

4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ... u
cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop
[
5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but a
software engineer cannot bcom a software
[
6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world
in world cup
[

7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.
[

[

How do you feel now???

I know, me too.